The Soul mate spark: How you get and keep it

When people talk about finding and keeping the partner that they truly want to spend their lives with, the discussion invariably gets around to the topic of "soul mates."
We talk about the soul mate spark because that's what we think people are really looking for--that special feeling of connection, like you've "come home," like you never want to part.
While many people do find this in a partner, including us, there are some pitfalls around the whole soul mate mystique.
One of those pitfalls is the belief that soul mates don't have conflicts and no major issues to work through. They have pure bliss all of the time.
We wish this were true but it just isn't for most of us.
This belief is why some people get so upset and disenchanted when they find that perfect someone who they think is a soul mate and it turns sour after a few months or even weeks.
It turns out that there are things about their soul mate that drive them crazy. There are conflicts and the specialness just seems to have disappeared.
Our take on soul mates is a little different from the mystique and it may help you make more sense out of the whole soul mate and relationship thing.
We believe that there are many soul mates out there for different times in our lives and they come into our lives not only to bring us greater joy but to help us with our personal and spiritual growth.
A soul mate agrees to walk with you for awhile to learn and also teach. A soul mate relationship is a spiritual bond and the challenges that come up are the soul lessons that you have agreed to learn together.
We also believe that just as your various soulmates can enter your life "for a time, a reason or a season"-- we also believe that soul mates can part when there's no more growth and learning.
Before you think we've gone a little to far "out there" or "woo-woo" with this one. consider this...
Regardless of the kind of relationship you're talking about, if the relationship is truly close and connected-- there's a certain spiritual quality to them. Soul mate kind of relationships are no different.
It's been our experience that when two people come together and it feels like a soul mate kind of experience, it can feel like destiny or some sort of divine intervention has been gifted to you or interceded on your behalf.
So what's the soul mate spark?
It's that spark of desire to draw closer and connect with a love and passion that keeps growing throughout the years.
Is it possible?
We know it is because we and others have it--and we also believe that you can create it.
Here are a few ways...

1. Make a soul mate commitment.
Commit the time and the energy to growing your passion and love for each other. Even 10 minutes a day of true
connection can help rejuvenate a relationship that was once close and now seems disconnected.
2. Kindness matters
We have often seen partners in committed relationships treat each other with less respect than they do strangers.
Take a fresh look at how you treat those closest to you and treat them as the special soul partners that they truly are--with kindness and respect.
3. Be curious about yourself and your mate.
When you find yourself being triggered by your partner or the people closest to you, take a moment and get curious
instead of reacting. It's easier said than done, we know, but just try it.
Get curious enough to just listen to find out what's truly going on between you. Listen to what's underneath the
disturbance. What want, need or desire is trying to be expressed for both of you? Listen from your heart.
4. Make one small shift.
Ask yourself these questions--"What do I want?" "What do I care about right now?" "Do I want to be right or do I want connection?"
What actions or words will bring you closer to rather than further from what you want and what you care about?
One small shift, like simply pausing before you email someone in anger, can make a big impact on your relationship and can make the difference between keeping your spark alive and letting it die over time.
We all choose our partners for different reasons and some we consider our soul mate and some not.
If you want to keep, grow or rekindle the spark between you, start doing a few things each day to nurture it.
If you aren't currently with any one you consider to be a soul mate, you might begin practicing as if he or she is with you in the form of the people who are in your life right now.

Jealousy: Is it your fault?

If jealousy or lack of trust is an issue in your relationship and life-- maybe it's not your fault...
Or is it?
Several people have asked us recently about the question of who's fault is jealousy?
They want to know...
Who's to blame?
AND
How can you stop it before it's too late?
As we've been helping people deal with their jealousy, if there's one really big hot button, it's this...
A feeling that they are being blamed (and solely at fault) for their jealousy.
If you are feeling blamed and completely at fault for your jealousy, here's something to consider...
Jealousy may not be you fault.
You heard us correctly--
Jealousy may not be your fault and here's why...
Even though we talk a lot about taking responsibility for jealousy in your life and the importance of taking action to heal it, there are reasons that may be beyond your control that contribute to it.
Here are a few of those reasons jealousy may not be your fault...

1. It's "normal" to feel jealous when you perceive that your relationship is in danger.
In fact, researchers say that it can be abnormal not to feel jealous when a partner is blatantly exhibiting conduct that you think degrades you and violates agreements you've made.
Extreme jealousy and jealous behavior usually falls outside the "normal" category but the point is, we've all felt jealous at one time or another and in some situations.
Jealousy isn't a character defect and there's no "jealousy gene" that can't be changed with some help--even though some of us are more predisposed to experiencing it at more intense levels because of what has happened in the past.
Jealousy can be a very normal reaction to actions that appear to threaten your relationship.
2. Messages that everyone cheats are all around us.
We are all constantly bombarded with images in the media that suggest that everyone cheats.

The truth is that because this message is so pervasive in our culture, it can unconsciously be lurking somewhere in the back of your mind and you aren't even aware of it.
Just look at top-rated television programs and real-life dramas of stars.
Cheating is one of the top story lines that gets all of our attention and hooks us in--but all of these dramas may hook us in more ways than what we bargained for.
Whether we like it our not, doubt and mistrust can be planted in our minds and we don't even realize it until jealousy shows up in our own lives.
3. A partner's actions can certainly contribute to jealous feelings.
We're not only talking about blatant acts that would cause mistrust in anyone.
We're talking about a partner who is closed to sharing much about himself or herself.
Maybe the partner is guarded, secretive, defensive, angry or blaming.
Whatever is the case, you can feel pretty insecure in the relationship and jump quickly in your mind to jealousy over seemingly small things if your partner is acting in any of these ways.
Okay, so we've given you three ways jealousy may not be your fault.
If you can relate to any of these, does that mean the you do nothing about your jealousy?
Of course not--if you want a better life.
Jealousy may not be your fault but you do have a choice to make if you want to make some changes that will create more of what you want--or not.
If you do want to take some steps toward healing jealousy, here are a few ideas to help...
1. First of all, take "fault" out of your thinking when it comes to jealousy.
It's just not helpful to think that way because if you are jealous, you may not be feeling very good about your situation and if you "blame" yourself, you'll feel even worse.
That's not the direction we want you to take!
2. Adopt the attitude that "this is what is right now" and start finding ways to feel better.
Look honestly at your situation and start learning some new skills that you know can help you.
It might be learning new ways to communicate.If you need help, you might check out our "Stop Talking on Eggshells" program available here that teaches you how to say what you mean to say in a way that your partner can hear.
It might be learning a new skill to help you relax, like taking a yoga or meditation class.
It might be turning your focus to something that you are passionate about.
If you've been caught up in jealousy, these feelings can be all-consuming and you can feel like your interests and passions have fallen by the wayside.
Along with learning some new communication and trust-building skills--and practicing them, it can be very healthy to turn your attention to yourself and what you love or used to love to do.
If you want to discover some terrific new communication skills you might want to read this web page and if you'd like some additional help with trust building you might want to check this out Relationship Trust Turnaround.
While these ideas are certainly not all you can do to help yourself whip the jealousy issue in your relationship and life, these ideas can help you move closer to overcoming it so that it's not a major problem for you.

The Biggest Mistake When Arguing With Your Partner...

It's a fact.
Arguments happen in relationships....
There's nothing new about this.
The challenge is...
What do you do when you have a disagreement or difference of opinion with someone?
One thing you DON'T want to do is what we call "talk on eggshells".
"Talking on eggshells" is to keep silent and NOT say what's true or what's coming up for you out of fear of what your partner will say, what they'll think or how they'll react.
And most of us find that we do "talk on eggshells" after an argument.
What do you do to work through arguments when they happen AND keep or regain your connection--even when you have a difference of opinion?
This is such a great question and...
Believe it or not--what you do in the split second that you feel a disconnection with another person, especially your loved ones, will determine how long you stay disconnected and distant--and if you ever feel truly close again.
Take a second right now and think about a time when you felt triggered or disconnected from a loved one.
What did you do?
Rewind the tape of the incident in your mind and slow it down so you can really see it.
We're guessing that unless you're really highly evolved and very self-aware, your initial reaction was one of three responses in some form or the other...
Fight, flight or freeze
And you might have different reactions in different situations with different people but there's probably one of these that you can pin-point that happens inside you more often.
Do you see which reaction you have most of the time?
We want to tell you which reactions the two of us have fallen into most of the time and how we work through any problems, challenges or misunderstandings that come up because of these reactions...
Consider using our example we're about to share to help you change any negative patterns in your relationship that happen when challenges come up for you.

In the past, when we have had misunderstandings and disagreements, Otto's habitual pattern has been to come toward Susie with a lot of intensity.
His physical body and mind races--his voice gets louder and his energy intensifies.
He becomes overpowering and pushing toward her because that's his unconscious way of getting what he wants--re-connection.
But of course it doesn't work that way!
On the other hand, Susie's knee-jerk, habitual response is to leave--to walk out of the room, to leave the situation.
As with most people, our responses were formed long before our current relationship.
When we looked at our previous relationships, we had similar reactions when things got tough with our previous partners.
It's just that in our relationship, we decided together that we couldn't have the relationship we wanted and still act out from our habitual responses.
We decided we had to learn to "stay."
We had to learn how to identify what we each do that takes us away from connection when we're upset and find a way to listen to and understand each other to find a solution to the situation.
As time has gone on--and with practice--Otto's gotten better at noticing when he's pushing and his intensity is "over the top."
Susie has gotten better at feeling the urge to run when things get tough. She's learned to calm her body and her mind so she can listen and speak from her heart.
To help our situation, Otto's agreed to calm down his intense energy when Susie makes a downward motion with her hand--as in turning down the volume on a stereo--in an open, loving way.
And then we do everything we can to stay open to each other and talk until we understand each other's motivation and point of view so we can feel the connection we love again.
We use "Magic Relationship Words" like "What's most important to you about _____?" to help us stay open and moving toward understanding one another.
Here are some ideas for you to try if you want to get out of your habitual ways and reconnect quicker and more easily when you feel at odds with one another...
1. Recognize what you do that takes you further from what you want.
It takes courage to do this and then change it--especially if your partner isn't buying into any of this.
But you know what?
If you hang on to what you always do, nothing will change.
2. Breathe when you notice you've gone into that familiar place.
At first, you may not be so good at catching yourself because the habit is so ingrained in you.
But if you keep at it, you'll begin to realize when you get the urge to leave, fight or when you freeze.
3. Bring yourself into the present situation and commit to staying present to what's in front of you.
Of course if you are in a dangerous situation--if the other person is a real threat to you, either emotionally or
physically, don't stay but get help as soon as possible.
If possible, both of you commit to "staying" with the process of listening and understanding one another--when you're not in the situation.
If your partner doesn't agree, you can still commit to yourself to learn how to stay open to listening and speaking your truth.
This doesn't mean that you agree with the person. It may mean that you set some loving boundary for yourself.
But it does mean that you are more conscious and able to respond from a centered place than from your habitual responses.
4. If you or your partner need to calm down and you can't do it in that moment, agree to come back together at a later time to discuss this issue.
Sometimes it's just impossible to get anywhere when emotions are high.
Just be clear when you're going to come back together and don't be tempted to sweep the issue under the rug, hoping it will go away if you ignore it.
It probably won't but will only get bigger.
We invite you to learn how to stay in the moment so you can get new understandings of your partner and of yourself.
After all, that's where the growth and connections are.

Frustrated and wants connection

What can be more irritating than when your beloved doesn't listen to you and starts trying to "fix" you in the process? **Question from a reader...
"My fiance has been through personal development work and so understands the importance of taking responsibility for our actions and our feelings EXCEPT - the problem is is that he keeps telling me to take responsibility for my feelings instead of him taking responsibility for his actions. Basically, he took the responsibility advice as he can behave however he will behave and I need to control my feelings and take responsibility for them if they make me sad or upset. There is no connecting, no relating, no understanding - just a "mentor" telling me to change my feelings about what's happened."
**Our answer...
Yes, we're all for both people taking personal responsibility in a relationship--in fact, that's the only way it will work in a healthy way--BUT when there's no connection in the process, that can really be a problem.
Here are some ways to create more connection and be responsible...

1. Be sure that you are taking responsibility for your feelings.
By that, we mean that you are questioning the untrue stories in your head and soothing yourself if they are untrue.
But it sounds to us like you really want him to change his behavior--and he doesn't want to change.
If his actions are a violation of your values or beliefs, then you have another problem.
2. Take the emotion or feelings out of it--address the behavior
Get as calm as you are able to be and address his behavior that goes against what you value.
Let's say he's looking at (or more) other women more than you want or feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone who stares so openly.
It's no longer about feelings but rather about how you want to be treated as a partner--and how you want your relationship to be.
3.How do you want to be treated in this relationship and is this a deal breaker for you?
Be clear about how you want to be treated in this relationship--with yourself and with him. In this case, it sounds like there's something specific that happened that he doesn't want to talk about with you. If you are in control of your feelings and honestly want to try to work out an agreement, then ask for that kind of discussion.
If he's unwilling to face what happened and continues to not want to talk about it, you have to consider whether this is a deal breaker or not.
Get yourself and your feelings in check and open to finding a way to be together that works for both of you (instead of just venting which he obviously doesn't want to hear). See what the two of you want for your relationship and see if you can agree.

Can love and passion last?

So, is it really possible to keep love and passion alive over the long haul?
We have said many times before and continue to say a resounding--
YES!
It is possible to keep love, passion and connection alive for as long as you want...
...and here are some thoughts about how this is not only possible but how you can do it in your own relationship,
marriage and life as well.
In addition to our own relationship that just keeps getting better and better year after year, we're always excited when we actually see it in action in other couples.
Here's one example...
Otto met "Nick" (not his real name) at the Aikido dojo where they both train and Otto instantly liked him.
He liked Nick even more when he saw how he interacted with his wife of 22 years.

Otto saw Nick do many of the things Otto's been talking about in his special "for men" newsletter where he talks about how ANY man can light up his woman.
Here are a few examples of what we saw Nick doing to keep his love alive over the years...
**Nick called his wife to tell her he'd be a little late and closed out the phone call by telling her he loved her.
**Nick spent some time paying attention to his wife during a party we attended at their house--giving her a hug every now and then and stopping to connect with her.
**Nick talked about how talented and great he thought his wife was at landscaping their yard, giving her most of the credit.
Although we can't really know for sure, it looks like they are still very much in love, have a lot of desire for one
another and they seem be very happy together--even after 22 years.
When we asked his wife what their secret was for lasting passion and love for each other, here's what she told us...
They had learned how to communicate with each other, even though their communication styles were wildly different.
She went on to explain that she came from a family of "talkers" and when something was wrong, you "talked" it out until it was resolved.
In fact, she attributed her parent's marriage success and longevity to the idea that "they never went to bed mad at each other."
She told us that it was a shock to her that when she and Nick had disagreements, he didn't want to talk about them--or at least not as long as she did.
For him, "talking about a problem" meant the end of a relationship because he had seen that happen before his parent's divorce.
It wasn't until she realized that she had to pull back her urge to "talk him to death" and he in turn allowed himself to open to talking more--that they resolved their communication issues.
They both saw that their way wasn't the ONLY way to communicate--and they both had to stop the "stories" from their pasts that caused them to make assumptions about their present relationship.
They both had to make their relationship and understanding one another more important than "being right."
As they opened and softened to one another (our words)--as well as not make each other wrong--they were able to iron out difficulties quicker and keep their passion and connection strong.
If you have problems with communication, it can certainly ruin your relationship.
If you're one of those people who seems to have trouble saying what you think or how you feel because of fear about what your partner will think, what they'll say or how they'll react...
... then we suggest you download a copy of our "Stop Talking on Eggshells" program and find out how you speak your truth openly and honestly without fear and in a way that your partner will really listen to you.
In the meantime...
Here are a few ideas about how to keep your relationship passionate, alive and growing over the years...
1. Make small changes and look for what happens for the better.
Try one suggestion--make one small change in the way you interact with your partner-- and look for one small thing that is better.
It might be that you've gotten into a habit of putting your partner down--maybe in fun--but it's no longer funny to him or her, if it ever was.
One small change might be to stop when you feel the urge to make fun of your partner and instead don't say anything or give him or her a compliment.
Maybe your partner puts you down and it's meant as a joke but you don't think it's funny.
One small change might be to tell him or her how it feels to you.
You might use a phrase from our "Magic Relationship
Words" program ...
"It may not have been your intention to hurt me but when you said _________, I felt embarrassed (or whatever you
felt)"
2. Remember to focus on what's going right.
We know that in our relationship, when we focus on what's going right instead of what's wrong, we feel closer to one another and more connected.
Now of course there are certainly times when you need to focus on what's wrong--if there truly is something going
on that is against your values or your agreements with one another.
But don't let resentment build without dealing with it and getting some resolution.
Then when you have resolution, don't hang onto the hurt in the past. Bring yourself into the present and focus on
what's right in the present moment.
That's how passion, connection and trust are rebuilt and stay strong--one moment at a time and in the present moment.
The question is...
Are you living together or dying together?
Are you growing together or growing apart more of the time?
Are you moving forward together or backwards separately?
This week, we invite you to take a step toward greater love.

3 Jealousy Tips to Save Your Relationship

Every time that Joanne's husband Jack returns home from a business trip, they seem to get into an argument-- and that's a lot because he travels regularly for work.
Joanne can't seem to stop her jealous thoughts (even if it was unwarranted jealousy) about Jack having an affair with another woman who lives in a different city. She wants to trust Jack and believe him when he says that he is not cheating, but it's so hard when the stories in her mind seem so real.
And sometimes he is secretive about where he's been when she tries to call his cell phone late at night and he doesn't answer. Joanne really doesn't know what to believe anymore.
She can see that her relationships is tense and strained and she's never felt so far away from Jack as she does now.
Because of her jealousy, she has said and done things that she deeply regrets--but she doesn't know how to stop.
When your jealous thoughts take hold, it can be difficult to stop them. They seem so real-- and the fact of the matter is, you may not know what's real.
After all, your jealousy probably didn't materialize out of nothing. Perhaps there is something going on that your jealous fears are alerting you about.
But, then again, perhaps your jealous fears have more to do with your insecurity or past hurts than they do with your current partner and relationship.
We know it can be confusing and frustrating.
Before jealousy completely ruins your relationship, read what one woman who bought our "No More Jealousy" program said about how she's using the material to beat jealousy...
"I am slowly reading the book and have just started listening to the first tape. What I have been doing is highlighting the phrases, sentences and paragraphs that I want to go back and re-read over and over again.
"I keep a highlighter marker in my briefcase and use it often. I love the book and loved the last tape (that I skipped to) of inspirational phrases."

Here are 3 tips based on our "No More Jealousy" course...

#1) Get to the root of your jealousy.
When you are feeling less triggered, take some time to explore the possible roots of your jealousy.
We encourage you to set aside, for the moment, your judgment about whether or not your jealous thoughts
are true or false. For now, identify the feelings that come up most frequently for you when you are jealous.
*Is it fear that you will be abandoned?
*Is it a feeling of inadequacy about who you are and your worthiness of having a loving partner?
*Is it anger or resentment because you feel like you are being ignored or your needs are not being met?
Get to know these emotions. Ask yourself if the feelings and thoughts related to them remind you of any past experiences or previous relationships.
If you need help, we have great success helping our Breakthrough Relationship coaching clients become jealousy-free and we invite you to find out more about how we can help you with coaching.
Feel where in your body you get tight or anxious when your jealousy comes up.
This is all very valuable to know because if you are able to pinpoint the moment jealous thoughts come up, as well as when you feel the results in your body of those jealous thoughts--you will be better able to calm yourself down so you can go on with your day and take appropriate action when needed.
Otherwise, you are reacting from habit and as Joanne felt--in a very irrational, harmful way.
#2) Return to the present moment.
Now, bring your attention back to the present moment.
Get into the habit of determining if your feelings--and especially the thoughts that fuel the feelings--are based in what's going on right now or, if they instead link more directly to the past.
It's quite possible that what's going on between you and your current partner is similar to a dynamic that developed in a past relationship.
Begin to practice telling the difference between what is happening right now and what happened in the past. In the heat of a jealous moment, it can be a challenge to do this.
You can build your skills in this regard by returning to the present moment throughout your day-- about things that are unrelated to your relationship at first.
Joanne has started to consciously bring her attention back to the present moment several times a day.
When she is taking breaks from her work at the office, she'll recognize that her mind is beginning to wander and she is thinking about what she did last night or what she will do this weekend. After this recognizing, Joanne takes a deep breath and deliberately tunes in to her current surroundings.
She feels clear and centered after she does this. She plans to try this technique the next time that she begins to notice the first signs of jealousy.
#3) Follow through.
These first two tips are inner skills that you can practice and use when jealous emotions arise within you. They can be very powerful techniques that can help you calm down and become more certain about what you are seeing or hearing.
With the increased clarity, you can make decisions that will support you and possibly help you save your relationship.
For example, as Joanne is becoming more adept at returning to the present moment and sorting through her emotions and thoughts, she is realizing that she has many unanswered questions about Jack's behavior on these business trips.
Too often, Joanne notices that Jack will simply call her jealous when she asks him why he didn't answer his phone while away. He tends to avoid these questions even when she is curious, not accusatory. Joanne also realizes that she's had problems in the past saying what's true for her and making herself heard.
As you come upon information that just doesn't add up or you see behaviors and habits that you'd like to change, be sure to follow through.
Calmly make requests for more information so that you can better understand what your partner is telling you.
We realize that being calm in the midst of jealousy isn't easy but it's oh so important to learn how to do it! Create agreements with him or her in order to address habits that create distance in your relationship--and do it when the two of you are not in the middle of a battle.
If you aren't certain that you can trust the answers that you are receiving from your mate, find ways to get reliable information.
There are specific actions you can take to determine the truth about whether or not your partner is lying and cheating, for example.
Yes, we encourage you to own up to your jealous habit if you have one. Try the tips we suggested above so
that you can stop jealousy from clouding your vision of what's going on.
At the same time, we advise you to be wise-- get the information you need so that your questions can be reliably answered. These steps just might help you save your relationship.

He cheated, You took him back but you're anxious...

Have you ever lost trust in your partner (maybe because of cheating) and in the process, lost trust in yourself?
That's just what happened to one of our readers. Here's what she wrote to us...
"Well, my boyfriend of 4.5 years, cheated on me with somebody for the last 5 months. I'm sure it stopped completely...but every time I'm not with him, I feel extremely anxious and bad memories start bombarding me. II really love him, but even though he's with me now and didn't want to stay with her and leave me... (even though she threatened him with the "I'm pregnant" excuse)... it's been hard for me to get back my confidence. What do I do?"
It's true...
Finding out that your partner has been cheating on you (and for 5 months) absolutely rocks your world and shatters your self confidence in the process.
Even if he (or she) wants to come back to you (and you are willing), you can't stop thinking that your partner chose someone else and somewhere deep inside you, you wonder what's wrong with you that you weren't enough.
It's that doubt and lack of self confidence that can keep you from fully mending your relationship after infidelity.
And in saying this, it's certainly not excusing the person who cheated and blaming the one who was cheated on if the relationship eventually can not recover.
We're saying that if you want to regain trust that you need to do a few things to help you be successful.
If you have had something similar happen to you, here's what we recommend...

1. Find out for sure that the affair is over. If you don't know for sure, get our program about how to tell if your partner is lying and cheating.
2. Find out why the affair happened. This will take some practice and self-control on your part so that you don't become defensive. If your partner is willing to talk to you about why it happened (no details unless you're a masochist), try to listen from an objective place.
We know that that's very, very difficult but if you want to know how to make your relationship better, you need to know what he/she saw in the other person.
This is certainly not to excuse your partner's hurtful behavior and it's not to blame you. It's simply to get some information.
3. Get a plan and focus your attention on making your relationship what you both want. Chances are that even if you didn't cheat, your relationship could be better in certain ways. Find out what you're both willing to do to move closer to what you each want.
If you need a plan for rebuilding trust, be sure to check out our "Relationship Trust Turnaround" program.
4. When your self-talk gets down on you and shoves your self-confidence even further lower, back up, take a breath and find something to appreciate about yourself. If you can't think of anything, keep at it until you come up with something. Then go out and take a walk or distract yourself in some way.
Keep moving toward what you want and that means taking on your inner demons that try to destroy your self-confidence.
If you want your relationship to heal, take these very powerful steps.