Saturday, July 23, 2011

3 Jealousy Tips to Save Your Relationship

Every time that Joanne's husband Jack returns home from a business trip, they seem to get into an argument-- and that's a lot because he travels regularly for work.
Joanne can't seem to stop her jealous thoughts (even if it was unwarranted jealousy) about Jack having an affair with another woman who lives in a different city. She wants to trust Jack and believe him when he says that he is not cheating, but it's so hard when the stories in her mind seem so real.
And sometimes he is secretive about where he's been when she tries to call his cell phone late at night and he doesn't answer. Joanne really doesn't know what to believe anymore.
She can see that her relationships is tense and strained and she's never felt so far away from Jack as she does now.
Because of her jealousy, she has said and done things that she deeply regrets--but she doesn't know how to stop.
When your jealous thoughts take hold, it can be difficult to stop them. They seem so real-- and the fact of the matter is, you may not know what's real.
After all, your jealousy probably didn't materialize out of nothing. Perhaps there is something going on that your jealous fears are alerting you about.
But, then again, perhaps your jealous fears have more to do with your insecurity or past hurts than they do with your current partner and relationship.
We know it can be confusing and frustrating.
Before jealousy completely ruins your relationship, read what one woman who bought our "No More Jealousy" program said about how she's using the material to beat jealousy...
"I am slowly reading the book and have just started listening to the first tape. What I have been doing is highlighting the phrases, sentences and paragraphs that I want to go back and re-read over and over again.
"I keep a highlighter marker in my briefcase and use it often. I love the book and loved the last tape (that I skipped to) of inspirational phrases."

Here are 3 tips based on our "No More Jealousy" course...
#1) Get to the root of your jealousy.
When you are feeling less triggered, take some time to explore the possible roots of your jealousy.
We encourage you to set aside, for the moment, your judgment about whether or not your jealous thoughts
are true or false. For now, identify the feelings that come up most frequently for you when you are jealous.
*Is it fear that you will be abandoned?
*Is it a feeling of inadequacy about who you are and your worthiness of having a loving partner?
*Is it anger or resentment because you feel like you are being ignored or your needs are not being met?
Get to know these emotions. Ask yourself if the feelings and thoughts related to them remind you of any past experiences or previous relationships.
If you need help, we have great success helping our Breakthrough Relationship coaching clients become jealousy-free and we invite you to find out more about how we can help you with coaching.
Feel where in your body you get tight or anxious when your jealousy comes up.
This is all very valuable to know because if you are able to pinpoint the moment jealous thoughts come up, as well as when you feel the results in your body of those jealous thoughts--you will be better able to calm yourself down so you can go on with your day and take appropriate action when needed.
Otherwise, you are reacting from habit and as Joanne felt--in a very irrational, harmful way.
#2) Return to the present moment.
Now, bring your attention back to the present moment.
Get into the habit of determining if your feelings--and especially the thoughts that fuel the feelings--are based in what's going on right now or, if they instead link more directly to the past.
It's quite possible that what's going on between you and your current partner is similar to a dynamic that developed in a past relationship.
Begin to practice telling the difference between what is happening right now and what happened in the past. In the heat of a jealous moment, it can be a challenge to do this.
You can build your skills in this regard by returning to the present moment throughout your day-- about things that are unrelated to your relationship at first.
Joanne has started to consciously bring her attention back to the present moment several times a day.
When she is taking breaks from her work at the office, she'll recognize that her mind is beginning to wander and she is thinking about what she did last night or what she will do this weekend. After this recognizing, Joanne takes a deep breath and deliberately tunes in to her current surroundings.
She feels clear and centered after she does this. She plans to try this technique the next time that she begins to notice the first signs of jealousy.
#3) Follow through.
These first two tips are inner skills that you can practice and use when jealous emotions arise within you. They can be very powerful techniques that can help you calm down and become more certain about what you are seeing or hearing.
With the increased clarity, you can make decisions that will support you and possibly help you save your relationship.
For example, as Joanne is becoming more adept at returning to the present moment and sorting through her emotions and thoughts, she is realizing that she has many unanswered questions about Jack's behavior on these business trips.
Too often, Joanne notices that Jack will simply call her jealous when she asks him why he didn't answer his phone while away. He tends to avoid these questions even when she is curious, not accusatory. Joanne also realizes that she's had problems in the past saying what's true for her and making herself heard.
As you come upon information that just doesn't add up or you see behaviors and habits that you'd like to change, be sure to follow through.
Calmly make requests for more information so that you can better understand what your partner is telling you.
We realize that being calm in the midst of jealousy isn't easy but it's oh so important to learn how to do it! Create agreements with him or her in order to address habits that create distance in your relationship--and do it when the two of you are not in the middle of a battle.
If you aren't certain that you can trust the answers that you are receiving from your mate, find ways to get reliable information.
There are specific actions you can take to determine the truth about whether or not your partner is lying and cheating, for example.
Yes, we encourage you to own up to your jealous habit if you have one. Try the tips we suggested above so
that you can stop jealousy from clouding your vision of what's going on.
At the same time, we advise you to be wise-- get the information you need so that your questions can be reliably answered. These steps just might help you save your relationship.

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