What Gals Want in Porn????

I read the very entertaining Don’t Try This at Home — Stuff Guys Want in Their Porn, Not Their Beds on Lemondrop today and it started me thinking about stuff gals want in their porn but not in their beds. Which sort of evolved into: what women don’t want in their porn or in their beds. Anyhoo, here’s what I came up with.

1. Ron Jeremy effect: The first and most obvious thing that women like in their porn and not in their beds is most male porn stars. Now, this is a trend that seems to be changing somewhat, courtesy of some savvy, pro-fem porn I’ve checked out recently. But in the past, I’ve tolerated my share of beefy, bronzed, waxed, supposed-mancakes only because the pickings were scary slim. Apologies to the sensitive hearts of male porn stars everywhere, but while I have endured you on-screen, I would never talk to you in a bar, let alone bring you anywhere near my bed. Eeks!

2. Massive members: Let’s be honest, the equine-sized cock found in porn satisfies a male fantasy to begin with. And we know conclusively—since historically most porn has been produced, cast, directed and filmed by men—that ya’ll love to imagine yourselves super-sized. Most ladies (that I personally have discussed size with whilst slurping martinis) have concluded that they are more than happy with a mid-range member. Most would rather a man with skills in other areas, not to mention the fact that there is a point when size becomes a hindrance and, frankly, something like a horror movie. I won’t share any particular stories lest I receive angry phone calls from S, S, J, and A; but I know you’ve been there, girls, and it hurt.

3. Backdoor: Now, as a friend of mine likes to say, “It’s not my favorite thing on the menu but I’ll order it from time to time,” I will concur at the risk of over-sharing that this can be a hot porn fantasy. HOWEVER, the proliferation of anal sex in porn does not equate (again, I speak for myself and my friends here) the secret desire of all women to be, ahem, stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey every day of the year.
Sidenote: this is a topic the huz and I discussed at length while he was working on porn sets regularly, and concluded that a) while some porn stars do seem to enjoy a good ramming, b) they are trained, pre-washed, professionals, and c) getting a serious pay bump.

4. Do you like that? : I appreciate why women need to overact in porn. We don’t have big old erections to show our enjoyment and men and women want to see that their starlets are enjoying themselves. I can appreciate some on-screen oohing, awing, screaming, cheer leading, whatnot. It is my opinion that in life this type of encouragement can seem a tad, well, forced. Yet it is my belief that some men have come to expect a constant porn star level of support (note to the guy who wanted to know how much I liked it: not that much). Personally, I prefer to save the Whitney Houston note for special occasions.

What I have concluded from all this thinking is that a lot of my experience with porn has been like standing in Blockbuster and choosing between Love Happens and The Ugly Truth—a choice between seriously shitty and really piss poor. Sometimes I like to sit back and imagine a porn world where men are actually attractive and all women don’t have frightening, fluorescent pink, glittered nails. But wait, I might not have to dream.