If jealousy or lack of trust is an issue in your relationship and life-- maybe it's not your fault...
Or is it?
Several people have asked us recently about the question of who's fault is jealousy?
They want to know...
Who's to blame?
AND
How can you stop it before it's too late?
As we've been helping people deal with their jealousy, if there's one really big hot button, it's this...
A feeling that they are being blamed (and solely at fault) for their jealousy.
If you are feeling blamed and completely at fault for your jealousy, here's something to consider...
Jealousy may not be you fault.
You heard us correctly--
Jealousy may not be your fault and here's why...
Even though we talk a lot about taking responsibility for jealousy in your life and the importance of taking action to heal it, there are reasons that may be beyond your control that contribute to it.
Here are a few of those reasons jealousy may not be your fault...
Or is it?
Several people have asked us recently about the question of who's fault is jealousy?
They want to know...
Who's to blame?
AND
How can you stop it before it's too late?
As we've been helping people deal with their jealousy, if there's one really big hot button, it's this...
A feeling that they are being blamed (and solely at fault) for their jealousy.
If you are feeling blamed and completely at fault for your jealousy, here's something to consider...
Jealousy may not be you fault.
You heard us correctly--
Jealousy may not be your fault and here's why...
Even though we talk a lot about taking responsibility for jealousy in your life and the importance of taking action to heal it, there are reasons that may be beyond your control that contribute to it.
Here are a few of those reasons jealousy may not be your fault...
1. It's "normal" to feel jealous when you perceive that your relationship is in danger.
In fact, researchers say that it can be abnormal not to feel jealous when a partner is blatantly exhibiting conduct that you think degrades you and violates agreements you've made.
Extreme jealousy and jealous behavior usually falls outside the "normal" category but the point is, we've all felt jealous at one time or another and in some situations.
Jealousy isn't a character defect and there's no "jealousy gene" that can't be changed with some help--even though some of us are more predisposed to experiencing it at more intense levels because of what has happened in the past.
Jealousy can be a very normal reaction to actions that appear to threaten your relationship.
2. Messages that everyone cheats are all around us.
We are all constantly bombarded with images in the media that suggest that everyone cheats.
The truth is that because this message is so pervasive in our culture, it can unconsciously be lurking somewhere in the back of your mind and you aren't even aware of it.
Just look at top-rated television programs and real-life dramas of stars.
Cheating is one of the top story lines that gets all of our attention and hooks us in--but all of these dramas may hook us in more ways than what we bargained for.
Whether we like it our not, doubt and mistrust can be planted in our minds and we don't even realize it until jealousy shows up in our own lives.
3. A partner's actions can certainly contribute to jealous feelings.
We're not only talking about blatant acts that would cause mistrust in anyone.
We're talking about a partner who is closed to sharing much about himself or herself.
Maybe the partner is guarded, secretive, defensive, angry or blaming.
Whatever is the case, you can feel pretty insecure in the relationship and jump quickly in your mind to jealousy over seemingly small things if your partner is acting in any of these ways.
Okay, so we've given you three ways jealousy may not be your fault.
If you can relate to any of these, does that mean the you do nothing about your jealousy?
Of course not--if you want a better life.
Jealousy may not be your fault but you do have a choice to make if you want to make some changes that will create more of what you want--or not.
If you do want to take some steps toward healing jealousy, here are a few ideas to help...
1. First of all, take "fault" out of your thinking when it comes to jealousy.
It's just not helpful to think that way because if you are jealous, you may not be feeling very good about your situation and if you "blame" yourself, you'll feel even worse.
That's not the direction we want you to take!
2. Adopt the attitude that "this is what is right now" and start finding ways to feel better.
Look honestly at your situation and start learning some new skills that you know can help you.
It might be learning new ways to communicate.If you need help, you might check out our "Stop Talking on Eggshells" program available here that teaches you how to say what you mean to say in a way that your partner can hear.
It might be learning a new skill to help you relax, like taking a yoga or meditation class.
It might be turning your focus to something that you are passionate about.
If you've been caught up in jealousy, these feelings can be all-consuming and you can feel like your interests and passions have fallen by the wayside.
Along with learning some new communication and trust-building skills--and practicing them, it can be very healthy to turn your attention to yourself and what you love or used to love to do.
If you want to discover some terrific new communication skills you might want to read this web page and if you'd like some additional help with trust building you might want to check this out Relationship Trust Turnaround.
While these ideas are certainly not all you can do to help yourself whip the jealousy issue in your relationship and life, these ideas can help you move closer to overcoming it so that it's not a major problem for you.
In fact, researchers say that it can be abnormal not to feel jealous when a partner is blatantly exhibiting conduct that you think degrades you and violates agreements you've made.
Extreme jealousy and jealous behavior usually falls outside the "normal" category but the point is, we've all felt jealous at one time or another and in some situations.
Jealousy isn't a character defect and there's no "jealousy gene" that can't be changed with some help--even though some of us are more predisposed to experiencing it at more intense levels because of what has happened in the past.
Jealousy can be a very normal reaction to actions that appear to threaten your relationship.
2. Messages that everyone cheats are all around us.
We are all constantly bombarded with images in the media that suggest that everyone cheats.
The truth is that because this message is so pervasive in our culture, it can unconsciously be lurking somewhere in the back of your mind and you aren't even aware of it.
Just look at top-rated television programs and real-life dramas of stars.
Cheating is one of the top story lines that gets all of our attention and hooks us in--but all of these dramas may hook us in more ways than what we bargained for.
Whether we like it our not, doubt and mistrust can be planted in our minds and we don't even realize it until jealousy shows up in our own lives.
3. A partner's actions can certainly contribute to jealous feelings.
We're not only talking about blatant acts that would cause mistrust in anyone.
We're talking about a partner who is closed to sharing much about himself or herself.
Maybe the partner is guarded, secretive, defensive, angry or blaming.
Whatever is the case, you can feel pretty insecure in the relationship and jump quickly in your mind to jealousy over seemingly small things if your partner is acting in any of these ways.
Okay, so we've given you three ways jealousy may not be your fault.
If you can relate to any of these, does that mean the you do nothing about your jealousy?
Of course not--if you want a better life.
Jealousy may not be your fault but you do have a choice to make if you want to make some changes that will create more of what you want--or not.
If you do want to take some steps toward healing jealousy, here are a few ideas to help...
1. First of all, take "fault" out of your thinking when it comes to jealousy.
It's just not helpful to think that way because if you are jealous, you may not be feeling very good about your situation and if you "blame" yourself, you'll feel even worse.
That's not the direction we want you to take!
2. Adopt the attitude that "this is what is right now" and start finding ways to feel better.
Look honestly at your situation and start learning some new skills that you know can help you.
It might be learning new ways to communicate.If you need help, you might check out our "Stop Talking on Eggshells" program available here that teaches you how to say what you mean to say in a way that your partner can hear.
It might be learning a new skill to help you relax, like taking a yoga or meditation class.
It might be turning your focus to something that you are passionate about.
If you've been caught up in jealousy, these feelings can be all-consuming and you can feel like your interests and passions have fallen by the wayside.
Along with learning some new communication and trust-building skills--and practicing them, it can be very healthy to turn your attention to yourself and what you love or used to love to do.
If you want to discover some terrific new communication skills you might want to read this web page and if you'd like some additional help with trust building you might want to check this out Relationship Trust Turnaround.
While these ideas are certainly not all you can do to help yourself whip the jealousy issue in your relationship and life, these ideas can help you move closer to overcoming it so that it's not a major problem for you.
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