That's just what happened to one of our readers. Here's what she wrote to us...
"Well, my boyfriend of 4.5 years, cheated on me with somebody for the last 5 months. I'm sure it stopped completely...but every time I'm not with him, I feel extremely anxious and bad memories start bombarding me. II really love him, but even though he's with me now and didn't want to stay with her and leave me... (even though she threatened him with the "I'm pregnant" excuse)... it's been hard for me to get back my confidence. What do I do?"
It's true...
Finding out that your partner has been cheating on you (and for 5 months) absolutely rocks your world and shatters your self confidence in the process.
Even if he (or she) wants to come back to you (and you are willing), you can't stop thinking that your partner chose someone else and somewhere deep inside you, you wonder what's wrong with you that you weren't enough.
It's that doubt and lack of self confidence that can keep you from fully mending your relationship after infidelity.
And in saying this, it's certainly not excusing the person who cheated and blaming the one who was cheated on if the relationship eventually can not recover.
We're saying that if you want to regain trust that you need to do a few things to help you be successful.
If you have had something similar happen to you, here's what we recommend...
1. Find out for sure that the affair is over. If you don't know for sure, get our program about how to tell if your partner is lying and cheating.
2. Find out why the affair happened. This will take some practice and self-control on your part so that you don't become defensive. If your partner is willing to talk to you about why it happened (no details unless you're a masochist), try to listen from an objective place.
We know that that's very, very difficult but if you want to know how to make your relationship better, you need to know what he/she saw in the other person.
This is certainly not to excuse your partner's hurtful behavior and it's not to blame you. It's simply to get some information.
3. Get a plan and focus your attention on making your relationship what you both want. Chances are that even if you didn't cheat, your relationship could be better in certain ways. Find out what you're both willing to do to move closer to what you each want.
If you need a plan for rebuilding trust, be sure to check out our "Relationship Trust Turnaround" program.
4. When your self-talk gets down on you and shoves your self-confidence even further lower, back up, take a breath and find something to appreciate about yourself. If you can't think of anything, keep at it until you come up with something. Then go out and take a walk or distract yourself in some way.
Keep moving toward what you want and that means taking on your inner demons that try to destroy your self-confidence.
If you want your relationship to heal, take these very powerful steps.
2. Find out why the affair happened. This will take some practice and self-control on your part so that you don't become defensive. If your partner is willing to talk to you about why it happened (no details unless you're a masochist), try to listen from an objective place.
We know that that's very, very difficult but if you want to know how to make your relationship better, you need to know what he/she saw in the other person.
This is certainly not to excuse your partner's hurtful behavior and it's not to blame you. It's simply to get some information.
3. Get a plan and focus your attention on making your relationship what you both want. Chances are that even if you didn't cheat, your relationship could be better in certain ways. Find out what you're both willing to do to move closer to what you each want.
If you need a plan for rebuilding trust, be sure to check out our "Relationship Trust Turnaround" program.
4. When your self-talk gets down on you and shoves your self-confidence even further lower, back up, take a breath and find something to appreciate about yourself. If you can't think of anything, keep at it until you come up with something. Then go out and take a walk or distract yourself in some way.
Keep moving toward what you want and that means taking on your inner demons that try to destroy your self-confidence.
If you want your relationship to heal, take these very powerful steps.
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