How Important is Sex in a Relationship?

My friend damn near had a heart attack when I told him that if I had to put a percentage on the importance of sex in my relationships, it would be around 50%. He begged me to reconsider and after much thought I’ve come up with a list of the different components that I think make up a relationship: sex communication, love, trust, honesty and the list goes on.  Although you want the companionship, love and support that a relationship offers, you also want your sexual flames to be quenched every now and then. We live in a sex driven society. Sex is the ultimate expression of love between two people; a way to communicate feelings that are difficult to express in words. While sex isn’t all there is to a great relationship, it is an important part. In my book no sex = no relationship–good sex = you can have whatever you want, however you like, whenever you want it–bad sex = blank stare, rocky relationship, having the “sex” talk quite often, or could the beginning of the end for us. Bottom line: Sex DOES matter.
In each of the three relationships that I’ve had I’ve led a healthy sex life. In my first relationship I was a sophomore in high school and my boyfriend at the time was a high school graduate. I was a curious virgin and he was experienced, ready and willing to teach me everything he knew.  He was the best I never had. He introduced me to french kissing, nipple sucking, fingering, everything. He was a phenomenal kisser, dry humper and could give a mean passion mark. Throughout the course of our relationship we made it to third base, but never home. He was the ideal boyfriend – bought gifts, great listener and was very supportive of my scholastic, nerd-ish endeavors – but I couldn’t bring myself to part ways with my virginity. Although I loved hanging out with him I liked how he made my mind and body feel even more. I liked feeling light-headed from his kisses and going home with drenched underwear. If we didn’t end our night with a panting session I chucked the deuces and angrily wished him a good night. In this instance sex didn’t matter, but sex-ish activities did.
During my senior year of high school I finally gave the goods to the first guy that I loved. It took an entire year for me to decide that he would be the “one” to break my hymen. Yeah the first time hurt like hell but, I wanted to do it again and again and again. I was hooked. Addicted. Distance and college kept us apart so sex was put on the back burner until……my college sweetheart. In the beginning of our relationship we would go at it 3 or 4 times a day. I remember buying bags of condoms from the Health Center and going through them in two to three days. I liked having steady booty and his sex drive matched mine. The sex was good. Our relationship was even better. Over the course of our four-year relationship we matured, and college kicked our asses, so sex went from once a day to eventually once a week. We always made time for sex though.
I was very fortunate to have boyfriend’s who didn’t lack skills in the bedroom department. They bought their ‘A’ game every time that we had sex. And I made sure that I bought mine. Now in my ‘single lady’ dating endeavors I have not been as lucky. I’ve had them all: the guy who could lay the pipe and make you cum repeatedly but was a complete asshole – the selfish, worthless ‘you betta get yours before I get mine’ lover – the speed demon aka two-minute man – the deceitful, chiseled body, small package guy – the guy who was boyfriend material but just couldn’t cut it because he was clueless on how to give a satisfying performance in the bedroom. Now don’t get me wrong if a guy is not fulfilling me sexually I won’t kick him to the curb – immediately. I’ll work with him a few times and try to coach and encourage him as best as I can. Is sex teachable though? Can bedroom skills be developed? I believe so. You just need a partner that can take constructive criticism, is open-minded and is willing and ready to listen and learn. Communication and honesty is key when telling a lover that they’re not pleasing you sexually. You don’t have to scold your partner for a being a terrible lover. Instead say things like – “I like when you do X, Y, and Z.” Introduce them to different positions – watch porn together and imitate the sex positions – visit a sex store together – experiment with toys. Do what you have to do to get where you need to be sexually.
Is bad sex in a relationship a deal breaker? Yes. I like to test drive my men before I make a commitment to them and if they don’t cut it during my trial and error period, I will not enter a relationship with them.  Being a connoisseur snack box eater will not suffice.  I need that sexual connection with my partner. You could be the most handsome, caring guy in the world, but if we don’t have any sexual chemistry I can’t be with you. Sex helps me unwind, de-stress and bond with my partner. I need and crave the passion,  comfort, intimacy that sex offers. I don’t think that any relationship can really survive if the sex is terrible. Good, regular sex bonds a couple together. Without it you’ll always have an emotional disconnect. You’ll be on different pages. In most relationships sexually frustrated partners will have their sexual needs met elsewhere. No matter what anyone says having a healthy sex life in a relationship is imperative. Don’t lie to yourself.
If your relationship is suffering because the sex is dreadful be prepared to listen to your partner and compromise. Brash yourself for the kinky positions and nasty fantasies that lie ahead of you. Do you think that sex is important in a relationship? Is it a deal breaker? Can you teach someone to be a better lover? Have you ever ended a relationship because the sex was awful? Have you ever told a partner that the sex was not fulfilling your needs?