Arguments happen in relationships....
There's nothing new about this.
The challenge is...
What do you do when you have a disagreement or difference of opinion with someone?
One thing you DON'T want to do is what we call "talk on eggshells".
"Talking on eggshells" is to keep silent and NOT say what's true or what's coming up for you out of fear of what your partner will say, what they'll think or how they'll react.
And most of us find that we do "talk on eggshells" after an argument.
What do you do to work through arguments when they happen AND keep or regain your connection--even when you have a difference of opinion?
This is such a great question and...
Believe it or not--what you do in the split second that you feel a disconnection with another person, especially your loved ones, will determine how long you stay disconnected and distant--and if you ever feel truly close again.
Take a second right now and think about a time when you felt triggered or disconnected from a loved one.
What did you do?
Rewind the tape of the incident in your mind and slow it down so you can really see it.
We're guessing that unless you're really highly evolved and very self-aware, your initial reaction was one of three responses in some form or the other...
Fight, flight or freeze
And you might have different reactions in different situations with different people but there's probably one of these that you can pin-point that happens inside you more often.
Do you see which reaction you have most of the time?
We want to tell you which reactions the two of us have fallen into most of the time and how we work through any problems, challenges or misunderstandings that come up because of these reactions...
Consider using our example we're about to share to help you change any negative patterns in your relationship that happen when challenges come up for you.
In the past, when we have had misunderstandings and disagreements, Otto's habitual pattern has been to come toward Susie with a lot of intensity.
His physical body and mind races--his voice gets louder and his energy intensifies.
He becomes overpowering and pushing toward her because that's his unconscious way of getting what he wants--re-connection.
But of course it doesn't work that way!
On the other hand, Susie's knee-jerk, habitual response is to leave--to walk out of the room, to leave the situation.
As with most people, our responses were formed long before our current relationship.
When we looked at our previous relationships, we had similar reactions when things got tough with our previous partners.
It's just that in our relationship, we decided together that we couldn't have the relationship we wanted and still act out from our habitual responses.
We decided we had to learn to "stay."
We had to learn how to identify what we each do that takes us away from connection when we're upset and find a way to listen to and understand each other to find a solution to the situation.
As time has gone on--and with practice--Otto's gotten better at noticing when he's pushing and his intensity is "over the top."
Susie has gotten better at feeling the urge to run when things get tough. She's learned to calm her body and her mind so she can listen and speak from her heart.
To help our situation, Otto's agreed to calm down his intense energy when Susie makes a downward motion with her hand--as in turning down the volume on a stereo--in an open, loving way.
And then we do everything we can to stay open to each other and talk until we understand each other's motivation and point of view so we can feel the connection we love again.
We use "Magic Relationship Words" like "What's most important to you about _____?" to help us stay open and moving toward understanding one another.
Here are some ideas for you to try if you want to get out of your habitual ways and reconnect quicker and more easily when you feel at odds with one another...
1. Recognize what you do that takes you further from what you want.
It takes courage to do this and then change it--especially if your partner isn't buying into any of this.
But you know what?
If you hang on to what you always do, nothing will change.
2. Breathe when you notice you've gone into that familiar place.
At first, you may not be so good at catching yourself because the habit is so ingrained in you.
But if you keep at it, you'll begin to realize when you get the urge to leave, fight or when you freeze.
3. Bring yourself into the present situation and commit to staying present to what's in front of you.
Of course if you are in a dangerous situation--if the other person is a real threat to you, either emotionally or
physically, don't stay but get help as soon as possible.
If possible, both of you commit to "staying" with the process of listening and understanding one another--when you're not in the situation.
If your partner doesn't agree, you can still commit to yourself to learn how to stay open to listening and speaking your truth.
This doesn't mean that you agree with the person. It may mean that you set some loving boundary for yourself.
But it does mean that you are more conscious and able to respond from a centered place than from your habitual responses.
4. If you or your partner need to calm down and you can't do it in that moment, agree to come back together at a later time to discuss this issue.
Sometimes it's just impossible to get anywhere when emotions are high.
Just be clear when you're going to come back together and don't be tempted to sweep the issue under the rug, hoping it will go away if you ignore it.
It probably won't but will only get bigger.
We invite you to learn how to stay in the moment so you can get new understandings of your partner and of yourself.
After all, that's where the growth and connections are.
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